Tolerance to Pain

Do you have a high tolerance to pain, or are you one of the people who jump before the nurse even picks up the needle….?

I, apparently, have a high pain threshold. I say apparently because despite having my children with only gas & air, I am on an incredible amount of medication just to get through each day.

Now this is where the tolerance issue comes into play. I mean, how on earth can I push an 8lb+ baby through a 2 inch pipe with mainly some deep breathing exercises (three times!), yet now need a medication list the size of Wales???

1, just 1 of my medications is 80 times the strength of morphine. And yet I’m still in agony with pain throbbing in my back and shooting down my legs while I write this.

I don’t know whether it’s a hospital thing. I had all the kids there and also go regularly to have injections in and around my spine – and I have them with NO sedation. People are gobsmacked when I tell them that I have denervation and allow a surgeon to shove a wire through a hollow needle and then heat it up so it’s hot enough to sever my sciatic and other nerves.

I’m currently lying here with pain shooting down my legs and across my lower back. I haven’t been able to do much today, which has meant no London trip for Gorgeous Girl. We were meant to go and let her meet some vloggers, but it wasn’t to be. πŸ˜• It’s not fair that my disability affects her too – sadly it’s not something I can change….

I don’t want to ask my local authority for help. I’ve done it once before and felt so degraded that when the lady had left, I swore I’d never ask them for anything again. At the time Gorgeous Girl was a baby and the older two were in the last couple of years of primary school. My back was so bad that I couldn’t drive, and I called them to ask if they could help with getting the children to and from school temporarily – a week or so maybe just to help me through the painful time I was having.

They said no. They told me it was only two buses each way and that my then 9 & 10 year olds would be perfectly fine travelling on the buses to and from school without me (I had the baby to look after). Even though it would mean them leaving at around 6.20amn to get there. Arseholes. 😑 So I don’t ask them for anything.

Anyway, back to actual pain rather than a pain in the arse πŸ˜‰ The pain, when like this, is unbearable. Over the years I’ve taught myself to put my pain into a ‘box’ in my head. Of course, there’s not really a box but I can now imagine the box so clearly that I can make it spin out of my head, open, then close and go back into my head with the pain, well, most of it, inside. This allows me to get on with my day without feeling a lot of it. But not today. Or yesterday in fact.

So I’ll continue to plod along, trying to get the pain under control whilst also trying to act normally. Smiling at strangers who don’t hold the door open for me. Telling people I’m fine when they ask how I am. Taking Gorgeous Girl to a HUGE shopping centre to get her friend a gift from Victoria’s Secret PINK or MAC before I go and see my godsons baby.

And I’ll be reminding myself to s.m.i.l.e



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